I’m trying hard to come to grips with the circumstances in which I find myself – but the truth is, I HATE those circumstances and have attached a great deal of self-judgement to them. Which, of course, makes it that much harder to come to grips with them. I am my worst enemy and my harshest critic, so I make my situation – and my reaction to it – much more extreme when I beat myself up. I feel bad to begin with, start blaming myself, and whoosh, right down the toilet go my mood and energy. That same critical voice that propelled me to so much apparent success in my life has become a real adversary.
At the suggestion of my therapist, I have been reading a book entitled “When Things Fall Apart” (cheery, huh?). It is by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist monk who herself went through something similar to my current challenge. In the book, she makes the point that our typical behavior when confronted with pain and challenges is to either run from them or to distract ourselves (which is the foundation of most addictions). In my case, by blaming myself, I am, in essence, turning the focus from the problem to myself – a distraction of sorts. What she suggests is that we learn to stay with our pain, and in the process, allow ourselves to accept it and to truly learn about ourselves. OK, so I’m no Buddhist monk and I do NOT fully understand how to do what she suggests – but something about this whole approach makes sense to me. When I turn on myself, I’m doing nothing to address the real problem – I’m just avoiding it, and feeling worse at the same time. I’d love to find acceptance and peace with my current issues – and with myself. And, I would LOVE to be able to see and understand my failings without drawing dire conclusions about myself. I’m going to give this approach a real good try. And attempt to not judge myself if I don’t get it right away! Wish me luck on both fronts.
Ok, speaking of failing…. I have to share a really bad effort on the food front. I LOVE filet mignon and decided to grill some for myself. Found a couple that were wrapped in bacon, so gave them a try, with some corn on the side. I don’t know whether it was inferior meat, the bacon wrapping or what, but I could not get those morsels properly grilled. Ultimately unwrapped the bacon and cooked it separately. But, try as I might, I was only able to reach mediocrity with the meal. Yeah, sometimes we fail. Here’s a picture of that culinary disappointment. Ciao for now!