Uncomfortably Numb

It has been a LONG time since I last wrote, and my most recent posts have largely been poems – nothing truly current and personal.  I’ve started to write on several occasions, but, honestly, had a hard time coming up with lucid thoughts or even clear emotions about things.  I’ve been wondering about this – I’m RARELY at a loss for something to say and in recent years have been much more in touch with my feelings than I used to be.  So, why the lack of material to share with you?

When I started this blog I shared the fact that I was newly on my own as the result of dealing with a divorce.  The divorce process has been fraught with strong emotions, mood swings and fear about what the future holds.  I’ve grown used to that condition.  Well, things have changed.  My wife and I have basically concluded the divorce process and are now waiting for the date the dissolution will become official.  Yeah, I just said a mouthful.  All those months of sadness, anger and fear and now, I feel…. uncomfortably numb (to paraphrase a Pink Floyd song).  There is still sorrow and anger and fear – but they have all been dumbed down; buried beneath a layer of ice or a couple of feet of water.  And I REALLY don’t like it.

You would think I would be happy to get some relief from the strong emotions associated with the divorce.  But instead, I feel like nothing is familiar and it is very hard to know what I should be doing or even determine whether I’m ok.  Honestly, I have no idea how I’m doing.  And all that really sucks.  I don’t like feeling numb.  It’s even worse than being sad.  I hope something else comes along soon.

Ok, ANOTHER thing I haven’t done lately is share any food experiences.  Here’s one, not a biggie, but quite a staple of my diet.  I have come to call it my Ultimate Meat Sauce and have been working on the recipe for some time.  You see, I use this sauce for a variety of purposes – with spaghetti or other pasta; on a meat sauce sandwich (love them!), with meatballs, rice, etc.  You get the idea.  So, I want it to taste just right – full, a little spicy, very meaty and with a taste that lingers on for a bit.  Well, I finally got it right; hence the Ultimate Meat Sauce.  A picture follows.  Can’t you just taste it? Come visit and I’ll give you some.   Ciao all.

Spaghetti Sauce


ANGER (A poem)

Not doing much new cooking of note these days, but have returned to writing some poetry.  This one’s not really new, but thought you might want to read it, anyway.  Enjoy…



I don’t want to be angry

Don’t want to be seen that way

Prefer to not pollute

Our beautiful love

By walking away

In anger and bitterness

I try to understand

Why this is happening;

To see from her viewpoint

I reassure myself

That things will work out,

Contrary to my great despair

I attend to mundane chores,

Lay plans for a modest new life,

Anything to stay in motion

I can’t afford to sit and think

I need to be busy

But when things slow down,

My thoughts heat up

I have to acknowledge my anger,

Own my outrage

I’m bitter that this love is over,

Angry that I had no say,

Furious to be treated this way,

Hardest to admit, I’m angry with her

For leaving me and destroying our love

But anger has an alter ego

When it ebbs, heartache takes hold

A great melancholy for a love

That once saved and elevated me

A love I believed in

And committed myself to

For all time

Yes, my anger is real

But it’s not really what I need

Anger would be fine

If it took away this angst,

This great emptiness inside

More Poetry

Hello again, sorry I haven’t been writing.  I wanted to share with you one of the first poems I wrote in the early days of my divorce.  It’s about differing perspectives and the love I’ve had to let go.    Here it is:



As she goes through her day

She reminds me

Of the Monarch butterflies

That grace our yard

Constantly in motion,

Fluttering from one place

To another

In no discernable pattern

A compelling ballet

Combining art and industry

With seeming ease

Answering only to nature

And her own private plans

But she feels otherwise

“I’m like a pet bird,

Trapped in a cage”

She feels fettered,

Confined by bars I can’t see

Or comprehend

I wonder,

Is the cage of my making,

Or hers?

Then I realize

It doesn’t really matter

A cage is a cage

And not the place

For my beautiful